I Am So Petty!

For those wondering, I have not joined WW just yet.  I am going to try it on my own for a bit longer and make a decision when out of control hormones aren't playing a part.  I'm going to keep up my gym commitment a bit longer before I change it up.

In other news...my sister is now engaged!  We knew it was coming but she didn't think it would happen until this winter.  Her fiance asked my parents officially last week and the family had to keep it quiet until he popped the question.  They had already had wedding chats and talked about colors and where to have and blah blah blah beforehand.  I think he's a good match for her in most ways (maybe a bit more controlling than I'd expect her to like), but she is a lot less crazy and actually has stuck with a job under his influence.

Anyways, I got a message from her today saying she was home sick and to call her back when I get a chance.  When I call, she asks me to be her personal attendant.  I didn't know what to say.  She is my MOH.  She is also performing a song (after putting up a fuss about which song we wanted her to do, wanting the other song we picked, then not wanting that one, and going back to the first again).  So, I'd be the go and fetch girl and make her feel like the star...a part I've played too often in her life.  I kind of thought she would choose me to do something else.  I didn't think I'd be her MOH since there were rumors about having 1 or no attendants.  Then, I found out my other sisters will both be in the wedding party.  Her MOH will be my youngest sister who just turned 16.  So, I feel like the ugly stepchild once again...I'm not good enough for her...I'm not included yet again...sigh.  I should be happy that she wants me to do anything but I guess I'm just being petty.  I know I'm being stupid, but I just can't stop crying about it. 

Arrrgh, I hate this!  All I can think about is how I feel snubbed.  It's her wedding...I should just smile and be happy for her.  I just keep thinking it's because of something I did/didn't do and because she doesn't want a blob up front.   I'm being all negative and I need to stop.  I'm going to walk to clear my head and stop thinking about this!!

Drinking Too Much Kool-Aid

I'm 95% sure I'm going to do it.  I keep trying to convince myself I don't need them, but external forces keep persuading me that I'm wrong.  Maybe I've been fed too much of their Kool-Aid and now I'm convinced to become another member of their cult.  But, I have been a member before and I've succeeded so it can't be that bad. Ohhhhh, I can't decide what to do!

By now you're probably wondering, "What the hell are you rambling about, woman?"  Well, I'm considering joining Weight Watchers again.  I keep telling myself I can make these "lifestyle changes" on my own...I already know the points program...I don't need to pay just to get recognition from others.  Or, why not just try the online program if I'm feeling like I need it?  The problem is, if I don't have a face-to-face encounter, I end up slacking off.  Why not get some friends and family members to meet me at the scale each week for weigh-ins?  They can give me a pat on the back for a job well done.  OMG, I do not want them knowing my weight!  Last week, I went over to my mom's house for her birthday and my sister asked "Have you been losing weight?"  My first response was to adamantly shake my head no with a mortified expression on my face.  But, we know the truth...I have lost some weight.  But, I don't want her watching me for those changes.  She'll start looking for me to eventually fail, like I have in the past.  That's what my head tells me anyways.  And of course, Giggleman knows I'm working on my goals and supports me, but he loves me no matter what weight I am and doesn't stop me when I have the urge to slack off. 

Weight Watchers has given me the accountability I desperately needed in the past.  And, I love the little stickers, key chains, other doohickeys, and cheers from strangers when I succeed.  When I thought about filling myself up too much, I stopped myself by remembering I had a meeting coming up.  Why should I have to pay for that though?  Can't I reward myself?  Isn't the support from the HYC, blog readers, and people on other forums enough? Three years ago, online support was all I needed.  In the past, I could do it all by myself, but as I get older, each pound gets harder to shed, and I need all the support I can.  I know I can do it on my own for a little while.  But then, I get a little sloppy...and that's when I need the extra push.  Also, a lot of the successful weight-loss bloggers are WW members.  So, I get more encouragement to join by reading about their successes.  But, I've also read those who developed eating disorders or had old ones kick in again when on WW.  I don't think I'll go nuts and start starving myself.  So, I think I'm joining.  Unless my mind gives me another reason not to in the next couple of hours.  Sigh.

Days 58-60: Sleep is NOT Overrated!

Here goes try #2 to post this!  I wrote a long, rambling entry in the wee hours of the morning...when I clicked publish, my system froze and I guess my draft didn't save either.  Grrrr....

So anyways, I haven't stepped on the scale since Monday but I feel lighter.  Maybe it's due to my haircut!  Taking off 2 inches or so and thinning out my thick, unmanageable mane can do wonders.  My stylist even found a way to make my natural curl come out from hiding and not make me look like I had a fro in the process. Yay!  I've been eating pretty well since giving myself a kick in the pants and I'm going to keep the momentum going this time.

So, how am I doing with the gym?  Here is where my title kicks in.  Towards the end of the month, work managers get quite anxious to beef up numbers.  Which means my boss "strongly encourages all on the team to work at least 4 hours extra for the next couple of days."  I get home late enough and now you want me to do more?  Go in earlier means losing my workout time or sleep and working later makes my struggle to fall asleep start later.  Lovely!

Seriously, I am feeling half dead right now.  When I get home, it takes me forever to wind down and fall asleep.  Just when I finally am getting some good zzzs in, Giggleman's loud alarm rouses me from slumber.  So, I have to get up, get dressed, and drive him to work.  I am the official chauffeur because he doesn't have a license or much experience behind the wheel yet.  Darn New York City transplants and their use of subways and foot power!  He had no need to drive there, so I'm going to have to teach him more when I have the time.  Here in the Midwest, we're driving as soon as the law allows (age 14 here), and many farm kids start much sooner (scary thought!)  After I get home, I can't fall asleep again so well and I only have a few hours before needing to get ready for work.  Maybe I'll have to try sleeping pills again since natural methods aren't working.  I last used Ambien a few years ago when I was lucky to sleep an hour or two each night (known here as the year I'd like to forget!)

My big gym plan will start on Saturday when I have no more overtime!  I have perused the gym schedule and have picked a list of classes I'm interested in and work well in my own schedule.  I'm trying a different class each day...cardio pump, spinning, aqua aerobics, some weight training circuit one, mat fusion (combines yoga and pilates), a class that includes Bosus, balls, and steps, and some aerobic dance type thingy which I don't remember the name.  After the week is up, I'll decide which one(s) I'll commit to continue going.  I'm tired of the solo workouts and the treadmill so I can't wait to start!!

Days 52-57: Hovering

My weight freakout from last week is over!!   Every single time the scale goes up and stalls, it's usually due to an Aunt Flo visit.  I was not expecting another one, since she already did make a short appearance this month.  Well, she came back and is still here for an extended stay.  I don't know if it's due to my efforts or what, but my TOM is so goofy since working out and trying to eat right.  Before, I had heavy periods lasting over a week (sometimes almost a month long!)...and then sometimes skip a month or two or more.  Now, I have spotting or something that lasts a day or two in between what I actually consider a true one and the true ones aren't so heavy.  Maybe I'm getting closer to normal!  But, I would like to do without the hormonal, emotional crapfest that goes along with each time!

As others reminded me, the scale would and did move back down over the course of the week.  But, I'm still not into new loss territory for this round...still hovering at 11 down.  It's my fault...I'm still not putting in the same effort I did during June.  Plus, I had too many family celebrations that revolved around eating this week.  Two birthdays, an anniversary, and a family reunion wore me out!  I'm a whiz at math, but my body is stubborn and won't stick with the calories in/out numbers my mind orders it to obey.

So, I'm going back to the basics since I haven't mastered them!  I didn't keep up with the food journal much this month, so I'm back to tracking diligently again.  Breakfast went on the wayside...I'm vowing to put that back on the menu.  And most importantly?  I'm making a workout schedule that will work for me.  Exercise is always the area that gets put on the backburner due to the usual excuses.  I feel better when I workout, but I let other things take precedence over gym or workout video time.  I will be adding a workout tracker to my sidebar tomorrow, so if you see more than a day between workouts, ask me what is going on!

Days 44-51: Time for a Reboot

July is just really turning into an awful month for me to succeed in the health and fitness changes!  My mom was sent to the hospital after going to a regular checkup (that she had considered rescheduling) on Friday with a problem that could have been quite serious.  So, we pretty much camped out at the hospital most of the weekend and then ate crap as a family for meals.  I can feel my body is swelling up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and just know the scale will read a inflated number.  With the way I feel, I know the number on the scale will seriously take the wind out of my sails.  I'll feel like crap and could give up.  I don't want to feel that way and I WILL CONTINUE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS!! I'm not strong enough to be able to handle seeing the number right now. So, I'm choosing not to remember this last week existed and will weigh in again next week for the Biggest Loser challenge.

I know, I'm a big chicken!!  But, I'm doing this for my own long-term success.  I am the best at sabotaging myself.  If I get a compliment, I have an urge to hide away.  If someone flirts with me at the gym, I start avoiding it (it's happened in the past!) If I see a big gain, I know I might binge...I don't have any junk in the house, but eating too much of the healthy food isn't a good thing either!  By avoiding the scale one week, I'm allowing my body to override my mind and continue good efforts for longer.  I have a week to clear out the July mental junk, and will be in a better, non-sabotaging head space to handle a gain or a loss by Monday.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.