Persistently Procrastinating

So, I just took a eating profile on a website a couple days ago and my coping personality is a persistent procrastinator. Hmmmm...what does that mean? I'm not going to pay for a premium membership to find out but it sounds right. I always procrastinate before undertaking many tasks, and by the time I take action, I'm quite pressed for time or get overwhelmed by how much bigger the task has grown. Also, if someone asks me to do something for them, I usually stop what I'm doing to help...putting off my own stuff. I put unrealistic expectations on myself to get things done, and if I don't accomplish it by then, I give up. Yes, this is bad! Is there a way to cure this? I will have to find out.

I did find a new source of motivation for getting myself in shape...

Yep, I watched this whole season of The Biggest Loser, and I was rooting for a woman to win. If Ali can accomplish so much and beat the men, I can accomplish what I want too! Of course, I won't be losing weight at her pace and I sure can't fit in six hour or more workouts, but I'm going to do what I can! I'm making some plans which I will share later and looking at a few challenges to try, so definitely watch this space!

Commitment Failure!

I have a huge problem...besides the size of my ass. I thoroughly suck at keeping commitments. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to finish what I start. Want an example? I'll give you five.

1. Blog Posting: Remember my first post? I claimed I wouldn't start a new blow if I couldn't commit to posting 2 or more times a week. I'm already failing with that commitment, obviously. I've even wrote a few posts down on paper when away from the computer and inspiration hit me. But, I then don't bother to post them! WTF is my problem?
2. Jobs: Every time I switch to a new job, I say I will keep with that company for a long time. Around the two-year mark, I end up quitting, either because there isn't a bigger opportunity for growth, I'm bored, I go nuts, or something else peaks my interest. The longest I've stayed at a job is four years---that was eight years ago and I'm on my seventh employer since then. Granted, I've had so many because I worked two jobs at the same time occasionally, but still!
3. College: I haven't finished either degree I started. I started my biology degree with the goal of then moving on to med school right after high school with a huge scholarship. Everything was going swimmingly until my junior year. I struggled miserably with organic chemistry, had a hard time staying awake in other classes, and began to have to leave the room to vomit whenever it came time to take a test. I also was overinvolved with other school activities, band, and work. After our band trip to Asia, I made a deal with the school to take a semester off and pull myself together. I'd get incompletes for all classes instead of failing the semester. I tried to start over again in the fall, but my learning mojo was gone. Looking back, I'm sure I was suffering from a major bout of depression that I was diagnosed with years later when I had problems resembling these, but at a much higher level. Three years ago, I went back to school again for a degree in business...I went one year, had a 4.0 GPA, ended up getting sick that summer, and couldn't pay for the next year. I never ended up going back. I originally took business so I could see if I could handle school again, my employer at the time would cover part of the tuition for that degree only, and I was also on the two-year waiting list for my first choice program (nuclear medicine and sonography). Now that I'm thinking about going back to school again, am I considering finishing one of those degrees? Nope...I'm looking into nursing, yet another departure from my original plan.
4. Love: I've known my fiance for almost nine years, and now we've been engaged for about two years...so that's a pretty long term commitment, right? I love him and we're best friends too. But, I sometimes wonder if he's the best for me. We don't share a ton of things in common, but as Paula Abdul sang, Opposites Attract. I'm not still holding on to those ideals I formed when I was much younger of what I wanted in a man, but it would be nice if we could find more things to do that we both enjoy. We were supposed to get married last May and had to postpone due to financial issues. We then set it for September, but then I got injured and had to have ankle surgery right around the date. I sure wasn't going to try to dance in a cast or be in pain. We still haven't set a new date. Is it due to money since he was out of work for quite a spell, my commitment issues, or something else?
5. Exercise/Health: I've struggled with my weight on and off for what seems like forever. Don't even ask how many times I've joined WW! It works for me (I lost 45 pounds), but I can't stick with going to meetings. Online doesn't work because then I slack off since I'm accountable to nobody but the computer and myself. At the end of January, I had made a new commitment to working out. I bought a calendar and stickers to track my progress. I was awesome for the whole month of February, but then Bob killed me in March! To clarify, I did The Biggest Loser Cardio Sculpt which Trainer Bob lead. I felt perfectly fine while doing the workout, but a few hours later, my lower back and left leg were killing me. A day later, it hurt to walk and I was limping by the end of the night. So I did the whole rest, elevation, ice, heat, etc. thing. After a week, I finally felt like myself again. But did I return to working out? Heck no! Yes, I know I'm a slacker---I don't know if I was scared of pain again or just lost the mojo. I planned to start again when my birthday hit, but then I was going through a phase of being so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed until an hour before I had to be at work. No amount of sleep seemed to help! I think I'll need to see a doc again to find out if my thyroid is wonked up again or something! I've started taking a new multivitamin which has helped me a bit, but I'm still dragging.

I know I need to kick this commitment issue! I'm not sure why I fail so pathetically...it's not like I send myself negative vibes to mess me up! I'm not sure if I quit before I fail or just find out that my commitments won't lead to happiness. Maybe I just get tired of trying when I've worked hard but my goals seem so far away. I think that could be a reason for #5, maybe a bit for #3, and definitely for #2. I want to achieve satisfaction, but I screw myself over by not putting in enough of an effort. I seem to lose focus when I don't achieve something quickly or easily.

To combat the problem, I am going to work on making some new goals and writing a list of why I actually want to achieve them. I will post them here, and also somewhere I can always look and remind myself why I'm trying when I lose steam. I will also break down my goals into smaller phases so the end doesn't seem so far away. And if I can't find a reason to achieve the goal, I won't commit to it!! I am going to try to make this work and keep this spot updated with results.

Accepting Ms. Fatty McPhatterson?

Ok, the goal of a few posts a week didn't pan out in March, but this is a new month and I'm going to try harder!!! It's hard to write a post when life isn't cooperating to give me details to share :) I heard Shauna from Dietgirl fame say on a radio show that she tried many new activities and experiences just so she would have blog content. I hear ya, sister!

So anyways, life decided to "give me some blog content" over the weekend. I was roused by my slumber in the wee hours of Friday morning to come to the emergency room. My poor fiance (I really need to find another name for him here...whenever I type the word I keep hearing the way Elaine said it one of the Seinfeld episodes in my head and it doesn't appeal) was sent there from work due to his heart racing a mile a minute and not being able to catch his breath. When I got there, they had already done some blood work, an X-ray, hooked him up to a heart monitor, and gave him some good drugs to chill him out. Once he started falling asleep, the real fun began. The second he fully fell asleep, his oxygen levels dropped drastically and the monitors began beeping. The nurse came in and checked how he was doing, and since the noise woke him up, his stats went back to normal. As soon as he nodded off again, his oxygen levels dropped again...this happened every single time he nodded off and at one point fell to about 48 before I roused him. Can we say sleep apnea, folks?

Eventually, the doctor decided to keep him in the hospital so they could do some more testing and get this previously undiagnosed apnea issue figured out. His horrible buzzsaw of a snore now makes sense and I feel a bit bad for giving him crap about it. He was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon with the assurance that his heart is fine, he needs to get in shape, most likely get on a CPAP machine, and has a sleep study scheduled for next week. We would have been sent home with the machine, but we're working on the financial part of things since my man has no insurance yet because he let it lapse between jobs. When COBRA wanted $400 a month to cover him until he found something else to cover, it just wasn't financially possible. If his paperwork isn't approved for assistance, we'll be paying over $500 a month for the CPAP and oxygen....OUCH!!! His plan (doctor approved) for now is to lay on his side more often when he sleeps until he either gets the CPAP or gets fitted with another device I've read about from the dentist to help his issue.

All this backstory brings me to my real topic...fat acceptance. I'm fat and I agree with treating everyone equally, but there is clear evidence that obesity can play a role in medical problems, if not now, sometime down the road. I'm working on loving myself but I don't love my outer core that much. I'm not stopping myself from doing things until I get thin, but there are some things I want to do that my body just won't let me until I get in shape. I read a few blogs pertaining to the FA topic, and I agree with some points, but I think it is wrong for certain group members to condemn others for trying to lose weight by other methods. Sure, you may be fit as a horse medically now, but that doesn't guarantee you'll avoid such bugaboos as diabetes, high blood pressure, and others later if you don't do something to circumvent it. When I get older, I don't want to have a grocery list of medications to fill every few months. In my current job, I have seen people on 10-20 or more meds, and most of these people are the overweight folks. Sorry, but this is true.

DF's stint in the hospital was his eye-opening moment that he needs to work harder to make sure he's here for years to come instead of ignoring what I've told him for awhile. So, please don't treat fat folks like they are the lowest scum of the earth! Don't deny employment (I have heard many stories) or try to avoid them like the plague (fat is not contagious!). Don't try to force diets and whatnot on them, but help them find ways to health and fitness if they ask. As everyone should know, there are many reasons why people find themselves overweight, and one should not assume that all of us eat 5,782 calories each meal and sit at the TV/computer most of the day. And FA peeps, don't shun us trying to get fit for our health. Sure, you may not agree with the methods or reasoning, but gosh, don't make the people feel lower than they may already feel about themselves for trying. Many people fail over and over again, and yo-yo dieting is hell on the body and should be avoided, but making a series of small steps can work for those who really try. People can lose weight and keep it off and most people aren't going to become assholes to fat folks once they become thin.

I'm off my soapbox now! It is safe to begin reading again!! I have more to share, but I think I'll save it for my next entry.