Sunday, April 13, 2008

Commitment Failure!

I have a huge problem...besides the size of my ass. I thoroughly suck at keeping commitments. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to finish what I start. Want an example? I'll give you five.

  1. Blog Posting: Remember my first post? I claimed I wouldn't start a new blow if I couldn't commit to posting 2 or more times a week. I'm already failing with that commitment, obviously. I've even wrote a few posts down on paper when away from the computer and inspiration hit me. But, I then don't bother to post them! WTF is my problem?
  2. Jobs: Every time I switch to a new job, I say I will keep with that company for a long time. Around the two-year mark, I end up quitting, either because there isn't a bigger opportunity for growth, I'm bored, I go nuts, or something else peaks my interest. The longest I've stayed at a job is four years---that was eight years ago and I'm on my seventh employer since then. Granted, I've had so many because I worked two jobs at the same time occasionally, but still!
  3. College: I haven't finished either degree I started. I started my biology degree with the goal of then moving on to med school right after high school with a huge scholarship. Everything was going swimmingly until my junior year. I struggled miserably with organic chemistry, had a hard time staying awake in other classes, and began to have to leave the room to vomit whenever it came time to take a test. I also was overinvolved with other school activities, band, and work. After our band trip to Asia, I made a deal with the school to take a semester off and pull myself together. I'd get incompletes for all classes instead of failing the semester. I tried to start over again in the fall, but my learning mojo was gone. Looking back, I'm sure I was suffering from a major bout of depression that I was diagnosed with years later when I had problems resembling these, but at a much higher level. Three years ago, I went back to school again for a degree in business...I went one year, had a 4.0 GPA, ended up getting sick that summer, and couldn't pay for the next year. I never ended up going back. I originally took business so I could see if I could handle school again, my employer at the time would cover part of the tuition for that degree only, and I was also on the two-year waiting list for my first choice program (nuclear medicine and sonography). Now that I'm thinking about going back to school again, am I considering finishing one of those degrees? Nope...I'm looking into nursing, yet another departure from my original plan.
  4. Love: I've known my fiance for almost nine years, and now we've been engaged for about two that's a pretty long term commitment, right? I love him and we're best friends too. But, I sometimes wonder if he's the best for me. We don't share a ton of things in common, but as Paula Abdul sang, Opposites Attract. I'm not still holding on to those ideals I formed when I was much younger of what I wanted in a man, but it would be nice if we could find more things to do that we both enjoy. We were supposed to get married last May and had to postpone due to financial issues. We then set it for September, but then I got injured and had to have ankle surgery right around the date. I sure wasn't going to try to dance in a cast or be in pain. We still haven't set a new date. Is it due to money since he was out of work for quite a spell, my commitment issues, or something else?
  5. Exercise/Health: I've struggled with my weight on and off for what seems like forever. Don't even ask how many times I've joined WW! It works for me (I lost 45 pounds), but I can't stick with going to meetings. Online doesn't work because then I slack off since I'm accountable to nobody but the computer and myself. At the end of January, I had made a new commitment to working out. I bought a calendar and stickers to track my progress. I was awesome for the whole month of February, but then Bob killed me in March! To clarify, I did The Biggest Loser Cardio Sculpt which Trainer Bob lead. I felt perfectly fine while doing the workout, but a few hours later, my lower back and left leg were killing me. A day later, it hurt to walk and I was limping by the end of the night. So I did the whole rest, elevation, ice, heat, etc. thing. After a week, I finally felt like myself again. But did I return to working out? Heck no! Yes, I know I'm a slacker---I don't know if I was scared of pain again or just lost the mojo. I planned to start again when my birthday hit, but then I was going through a phase of being so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed until an hour before I had to be at work. No amount of sleep seemed to help! I think I'll need to see a doc again to find out if my thyroid is wonked up again or something! I've started taking a new multivitamin which has helped me a bit, but I'm still dragging.
I know I need to kick this commitment issue! I'm not sure why I fail so's not like I send myself negative vibes to mess me up! I'm not sure if I quit before I fail or just find out that my commitments won't lead to happiness. Maybe I just get tired of trying when I've worked hard but my goals seem so far away. I think that could be a reason for #5, maybe a bit for #3, and definitely for #2. I want to achieve satisfaction, but I screw myself over by not putting in enough of an effort. I seem to lose focus when I don't achieve something quickly or easily.

To combat the problem, I am going to work on making some new goals and writing a list of why I actually want to achieve them. I will post them here, and also somewhere I can always look and remind myself why I'm trying when I lose steam. I will also break down my goals into smaller phases so the end doesn't seem so far away. And if I can't find a reason to achieve the goal, I won't commit to it!! I am going to try to make this work and keep this spot updated with results.