Thursday, August 14, 2008

I Am So Petty!

For those wondering, I have not joined WW just yet.  I am going to try it on my own for a bit longer and make a decision when out of control hormones aren't playing a part.  I'm going to keep up my gym commitment a bit longer before I change it up.

In other sister is now engaged!  We knew it was coming but she didn't think it would happen until this winter.  Her fiance asked my parents officially last week and the family had to keep it quiet until he popped the question.  They had already had wedding chats and talked about colors and where to have and blah blah blah beforehand.  I think he's a good match for her in most ways (maybe a bit more controlling than I'd expect her to like), but she is a lot less crazy and actually has stuck with a job under his influence.

Anyways, I got a message from her today saying she was home sick and to call her back when I get a chance.  When I call, she asks me to be her personal attendant.  I didn't know what to say.  She is my MOH.  She is also performing a song (after putting up a fuss about which song we wanted her to do, wanting the other song we picked, then not wanting that one, and going back to the first again).  So, I'd be the go and fetch girl and make her feel like the star...a part I've played too often in her life.  I kind of thought she would choose me to do something else.  I didn't think I'd be her MOH since there were rumors about having 1 or no attendants.  Then, I found out my other sisters will both be in the wedding party.  Her MOH will be my youngest sister who just turned 16.  So, I feel like the ugly stepchild once again...I'm not good enough for her...I'm not included yet again...sigh.  I should be happy that she wants me to do anything but I guess I'm just being petty.  I know I'm being stupid, but I just can't stop crying about it. 

Arrrgh, I hate this!  All I can think about is how I feel snubbed.  It's her wedding...I should just smile and be happy for her.  I just keep thinking it's because of something I did/didn't do and because she doesn't want a blob up front.   I'm being all negative and I need to stop.  I'm going to walk to clear my head and stop thinking about this!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Drinking Too Much Kool-Aid

I'm 95% sure I'm going to do it.  I keep trying to convince myself I don't need them, but external forces keep persuading me that I'm wrong.  Maybe I've been fed too much of their Kool-Aid and now I'm convinced to become another member of their cult.  But, I have been a member before and I've succeeded so it can't be that bad. Ohhhhh, I can't decide what to do!

By now you're probably wondering, "What the hell are you rambling about, woman?"  Well, I'm considering joining Weight Watchers again.  I keep telling myself I can make these "lifestyle changes" on my own...I already know the points program...I don't need to pay just to get recognition from others.  Or, why not just try the online program if I'm feeling like I need it?  The problem is, if I don't have a face-to-face encounter, I end up slacking off.  Why not get some friends and family members to meet me at the scale each week for weigh-ins?  They can give me a pat on the back for a job well done.  OMG, I do not want them knowing my weight!  Last week, I went over to my mom's house for her birthday and my sister asked "Have you been losing weight?"  My first response was to adamantly shake my head no with a mortified expression on my face.  But, we know the truth...I have lost some weight.  But, I don't want her watching me for those changes.  She'll start looking for me to eventually fail, like I have in the past.  That's what my head tells me anyways.  And of course, Giggleman knows I'm working on my goals and supports me, but he loves me no matter what weight I am and doesn't stop me when I have the urge to slack off. 

Weight Watchers has given me the accountability I desperately needed in the past.  And, I love the little stickers, key chains, other doohickeys, and cheers from strangers when I succeed.  When I thought about filling myself up too much, I stopped myself by remembering I had a meeting coming up.  Why should I have to pay for that though?  Can't I reward myself?  Isn't the support from the HYC, blog readers, and people on other forums enough? Three years ago, online support was all I needed.  In the past, I could do it all by myself, but as I get older, each pound gets harder to shed, and I need all the support I can.  I know I can do it on my own for a little while.  But then, I get a little sloppy...and that's when I need the extra push.  Also, a lot of the successful weight-loss bloggers are WW members.  So, I get more encouragement to join by reading about their successes.  But, I've also read those who developed eating disorders or had old ones kick in again when on WW.  I don't think I'll go nuts and start starving myself.  So, I think I'm joining.  Unless my mind gives me another reason not to in the next couple of hours.  Sigh.